A VERY GOOD MAN

By Lawrence Kadzitche

Everyone knows that all women in our township idolize Simeon Thubwa. He’s extoled as a model husband. There’s no family where women do not mention his name as if they’re talking of some holy man. He’s the kind of man they say their daughters should be married to and not to some lying and cheating old goats like us whom they made the mistake of marrying. His name is mentioned in marriage seminars as a living example of how men should behave and run their families. In other words, he’s the epitome of the ideal husband.

And that’s what irks us most, the other husbands of the township.  We’re aware that if there’re spots for cheating husband, Simeon Thubwa holds the first position. We know he goes out with both married and unmarried women. He has got a horde of girlfriends stashed away in town. He even goes out with women in the church where he is an elder. It is very doubtful if there’s a woman he has not bedded at his work place. Then how come the women do not know of this? How? We the men of the township ask in befuddled amazement.

We’re at Abiti Wiske- the sprawling shebeen deep in the overcrowded township where we usually congregate to drown our sorrows in alcohol. With much sadness we discuss how Simeon Thubwa has emasculated us, making us look very bad in the eyes of our own wives when he himself is the worst of us all.

“Just imagine last night my wife said if Simeon Thubwa wished to take another wife she would gladly go to become the second wife to such a very good man than be the only wife to trash like me,” wails Gudumu. A middle aged man of medium build, he works as the postmaster at the post office located at the main trading center of the township.

Bokho, a businessman, takes a long pull on his opaque beer and belches. Everything about him is oversized. An enormous head. A huge belly. His build resembles that of bloated rhinoceros. “That’s nothing. My wife said she’d be willing to send our daughter as a gift to Simeon Thubwa.”

Everyone vomits the good comments their wives says about Simeon Thubwa. We completely agree that if Simeon Thubwa wanted to marry any or even all our wives, they would gladly welcome the opportunity.

“This has gone on for too long. Who knows, maybe while we’re whining here, Simeon Thubwa is shagging one of our wives,” Jegweda, the most pessimistic of us all chirps in. He’s the headmaster at the local primary school. Thin as a reed, he is always dressed in woolen suits that look like they have been draped on a wire scarecrow.

This brings in a new threat. We had not considered that. But with sinking hearts we realize it could be a very definite possibility.

While we ponder over this, I beckon over a bar girl to bring us another round of drinks. She brings four packets, shakes one, slices it open and takes a sip then hands it over to me. I take a deep pull and pass it on to Jegweda. He takes a long sip and gives it to Gudumu. The packet is passed around in this manner until it gets back to me.

“We all know the pastor holds Simeon Thubwa in very high esteem…” Jegweda breaks the stifling silence while wiping specks of beer from his moustache.

“… yet Simeon Thubwa sleeps with his wife,” Gudumu finishes for him.

But Jegweda has not finished. “Did you know that last week I saw him with the chairlady of the women’s guild at Good Time Lodge?”

“The one whose husband is his close friend?”

“Yes, that one,” Jegweda affirms with satisfaction.

We unanimously agree that Simeon Thubwa poses an immediate danger to the survival of our marriages and we need to do something to correct the situation.

“We must expose him for what he is, lay all his stinking secrets in the open for all to see,” Bokho suggests.

I shake my head. “That cannot work. I tried telling my wife about Simeon’s cheating and what did I get in return? She called me the most vile and jealous man that ever lived. Why was I trying to bad mouth a perfect man, me, a dirty cheating philanderer?”

The misery on Jegweda’s face shows that I have hit a sore spot. “Don’t dare say a bad thing about Simeon Thubwa. To our wives he’s like a god; he can do nothing wrong. There was a day I’d a bad fight with my wife simply because I dared say that the man she was praising was a wolf in sheep skins. She almost murdered me for the blasphemy.”

We realize the man is untouchable. Silence descend on the group as we try to think what we should do. We continue guzzling the beer as if it was the answer itself.

It is Gudumu who slogs in the solution. “Give the devil his dues, the man is smart. Instead of fighting against him, why don’t we go and ask him how he manages to cheat without causing any ripples in his family?”

No one objects to this suggestion. Don’t they say if you can’t beat them, join them? We would borrow a leaf from Simeon Thubwa and make sure we keep our families happy while cheating at the same time. With this agreement, we collectively feel as if a great load has been taken off our backs and we now continue drinking the beer merrily.

We do not dilly-dally. The following day we meet Simeon Thubwa at a posh Club downtown Blantyre. You do not bring such a great man to a stinking shabeen. The man is a marvel. He is fifty but he looks half his age and is sprucely dressed in slim fit black suit, snow white shirt and a red neck tie. He is clean shaven and his short graying hair dyed charcoal black. His pointed shoes glimmer. We are conscious that we look like something that the cat brought in.

We do not beat about the bush. Simeon Thubwa is informed that our marriages are in tatters and we would like him to assist us fix them.

“You’re the model husband and father in this township,” we conclude.

Simeon Thubwa is a jolly fellow. Like an unscrupulous gambler, he’s proud of his art of successful cheating. And for us to invite him to give us lessons in this skill makes him very happy.

“Gentlemen, a happy and successful marriage is based on mastering the art of hypocrisy and deceit. Honesty and openness is the breeding ground for misery and failure in any marriage,” Simeon Thubwa declares solemnly.

This shocks us. We had not expected to hear this. We keep our mouths tightly zipped.

“Women do not like to be told the truth but what they want to hear. It is carefully calculated lies that build a marriage. For example, if you’re late because you went to see a friend, your wife will be happy to hear that you’re late because you were stuck in the traffic. If your wife says, oh  that girl is beautiful, never make the mistake of agreeing with her. Simply pretend as if you haven’t seen the girl and ask, which girl? If your wife cooks food you don’t like, pretend it is delicious. If you dare tell her it is not yummy, she’ll say it’s because you’re seeing another woman. Compliment her even if the clothes that she’s wearing makes her look like a masquerade dancer called Maria,” explained Simeon Thubwa. “In short, women thrive on flattery.”

There is sense in what he is saying. We don’t want to disturb him. He carries on.

“Nowadays the thing that frequently brings unhappiness in marriages frequently is the cell phone. Improperly handled, the phone will bring tears and misery in your family. So what I do is to have two identical cellphone handsets, one for the home and the other for the ‘other women’. My wife does not know of the other phone and the other women does not know of my other phone. So when I arrive home, I drop it on the table carelessly without a password. I know that my wife goes through it every day but has never found any incriminating picture or message. The inculpating messages and pictures are in the other phone. This does not only ensure peace in the home but also makes my wife trust me completely. Which wife will not trust a husband who allows her go through his cellphone?”

Our nodding heads show that we are in agreement with what he is saying. But we maintain our silence. It is like he’s preaching to us. Do you disturb a preacher with questions?

“Women also feel loved when you call them frequently just to say a stupid I wanted to check on you, babe. If you don’t do that they suspect you’re seeing another woman and then call you to see where you are. To be the classic husband, call them now and then. Before going to see your girlfriend, the first thing you should do is to call your wife and tell her some lie about where you are-at a meeting, seeing a friend, whatever you think she’ll believe. That’ll ensure that she doesn’t call you while you’re with your girlfriend. The moment you step out of the girlfriend’s house, call your wife again to tell her how much you missed her. She’ll feel the most loved woman in the world. If someone will tell her she saw you at such and such a place with a bitch she’ll dismiss that outright as a black lie.”

Our silence endure. Nobody opens his mouth. No one wants to miss not even a single word.

Simeon Thubwa continues, “Now we’re in a social media world. Wives have this weird craving of wanting their ugly faces to grace profile pictures on social media. This is something you should oblige them. Girlfriends do not care whether your wife is on the Display Picture or not. If you’ve a jealous girlfriend, you can even joke that you put your wife’s picture on display for people to understand that, saddled with such a hideous wife, you’ve no option but to have girlfriends. Mind you, it’s very important to put the ugliest photos of your wife on the DP. It does the trick. Actually, girlfriends love it, it shows who’s more beautiful. At the same time, wives think that you’re not cheating because if you were, you wouldn’t put her on the DP. It’s a win-win situation.

“Another important thing to remember is that women do not like to be in secret relationships unless the secrecy suits them. Remember, you’re trying to maintain your reputation as a consummate husband while at the same time womanizing. The easiest way is to have a relationship with a married woman. None of you want nobody to know and since both of you won’t disclose anything, then nobody knows. For extra safety, go out with a friend’s wife so that if someone sees you together, they think nothing of it. Cheating is a serious business, never bring issues of morals in it. The other women who love ultra-secret relationships are the overzealous religious ladies. Since they want to protect their status as religious women, they make sure nobody knows of your underhand relationships.”

At this point, Jegweda, cautious as ever, butts in. “But there are other women that want people to know that they’re in a relationship, even if it’s with a married man.”

Simeon Thubwa duly notes the point. “Of course you’re right.  But fret not, brothers, there’s a way out. This is where the biggest lie is needed. Lie that she’s your business partner, your prayer partner, your gym partner, your favourite college mate…anything that’ll make people see nothing wrong when they see you two together. If you’ve the courage, even introduce her to your wife. If rumours start circulating, your wife will chalk them off as jealousy.

“For extra safety, participate in what your wife likes. Drop her at the engagement ceremony, baby shower and so on. Now keep perfect timing. The moment you drop her, sneak away to see your favourite girlfriend. When you come back to pick her, she’ll be none the wiser.”

Jegweda still show the face of a doubting Thomas. “But still you can overlook something that can give you away.”

“Of course you’ve to be careful about the little things,” Simeon Thubwa agrees. “It’s the small things that ruin a good plan. Perfume can easily betray you. So make sure your girlfriend uses exactly the same perfume that your wife uses. In this way, hugs will never betray you. You should also develop the habit of destroying all shopping receipts otherwise they’ll give you away one day. There’s no way you can explain away the purchase of the G-string on the receipt. And always, always, keep a spare set of condoms in your pocket. Your wife will know they’re there and will wait to see where they go. Use the other condoms and make sure that the pack that she knows about is always intact so that she should never suspect you’re digging other women out on the side.

“Then there is the car. Wives have this annoying habit of checking every little detail in the car. The moment they enter, they will check the glove compartments. Never make a mistake of leaving anything belonging to your girlfriend anywhere in the car. Then there is ‘her seat’, the seat beside the driver’s seat. Wives notice any movement of the seat, whether it has been moved or tilted forward or backward. Don’t be fooled that you can explain this away by saying you gave a lift to so and so. No way, brothers. People who hitch a ride never change position of seats. Apart from wives, it is girlfriends who have a habit of changing the seat to fit their preferred position. If you want to be the master at the game, pretend the seat is broken and weld it in an immovable position, preferably the one favoured by your wife. If you do this, your girlfriends will never be able to move it and your wife will never guess you are a ‘transporter’.”

At this point we already can visualize the appropriate lies for each situation in our families. Most of us had been caught simply for saying the truth and not planning our fibs in advance.

“I forgot the most important thing: disclosure of your salary. Women love to be told how much you earn. Don’t think they do that because they don’t want you to waste money. Nix, my friends. They just want to make sure you can’t spend money on girlfriends. They love it more when you’ve got a joint bank account. Let me warn you, brothers, never disclose your real salaries. What you should do is to tell your office to send your salary to two different banks, these days it’s possible. Then you forge a pay slip and show it to your wife. Let your wife control that account. Believe me, she’ll make sure nothing is left for your shenanigans and that’ll convince her you’re not seeing anyone on the sly because you’ve no financial capacity to do so. Loaded with cash from the other account, you’ll be happily enjoying with your girlfriend and no one will be any wiser.”

We all express our gratitude to Simeon Thubwa for his worthy tips and promise him we will follow his advice. And true to our word we do so.

*

That was months ago. We are proud to say that the quality of our family lives has improved tremendously. Our wives wonder what has made us change. Most ascribe it to the massive week long crusade that was held in the township a few weeks after we met Simeon Thubwa. Others attribute it to the prayers and fasting they had been doing. A few, in secret, accredit it to the love potions they got from witch doctors. But deep down our hearts, we know it is all thanks to the advice of Mister Simeon Thubwa whom our wives continue to label a very good man. And when they do so we heartily agree with a wink that he is indeed a very good man.

End